Never had a chance.. Or missing chances?
isn't ironic that sometimes you wish things shouldn't be this way but it just turned out to be?or maybe hope is something you dream about?or something that doesn't concerns you but it is affecting you in one way or another? is depression same as lost hope? questions in life that are really ironic to some.. too wierd to overcome.
it's a matter of how you look at it.. it's funny how things around you relates to your everyday life. even watching a comedy or even a movie.. maybe be funny to some.. jokes to others.. if one gets to understand ..sometimes it just relates to you.. name me one movie that best describes your life.? i can think of afew.. can you?
my mind is not at peace for the past week.. all over the place.. can't seem to concentrate on something or stay focus for long.. i look back over my shoulders and all i see is regrets, false promises, pain and suffering.. i look forward and all i see is a big jungle, dark, wet, unpredictable.. not willing to adventure through it.. guess i am afraid of that lies ahead of me.
was talking to a friend at work the other day.. telling me about how he like someone.. i have somehow become a 'aunite aggie' at work.. funny how some of them can come and talk to me about this kinda stuff.. before i move on i ask him why u telling me these.. its not like we are damn close friends.. he told me he just need to let it out and i look like the kind who can talk to..i felt honored man.. din know i am that kind of person.. anyways we took a smoke and he told me how he like this girl.. she is the kind who fills up the gap he's been longing for. but one day she had to go 'home' and will never come back again. he din had the chance to say goodbye.. well its a long story but i will keep it short.. he didnt know what he was feeling.. sad.. angry.. regretful.. somehow i shared his pain.. like a chain effect.. i felt sorry for him.. i know in his heart he was sad.. sad that something is going missing .. missing apart of him.. like a cup being empty again.. she told him she was leaving.. asking him to call her.. but he could not get her.. calling so many times but the phone wasn't on.. he felt lost.. unknown.. he din had a chance to say how he felt or goodbye.. i told him.. well.. it what ever it is u should have enjoyed it.. maybe its just time to cut it off cos this kind of thing wont last forever.. maybe it could..i dunno.. either stick to the happy memories and smile about it.. or bury the sadness deep inside your head and not think about it anymore. can't have both.. cos all u will feel is pain inside.. i didnt quite understand what i was saying at that time but i think he got the message.. maybe she din want u to reach her cos she too wanted to feel the same... leave on a high.. he asked me.."... ..... ... ... .... .......... ......." we took out another stick and smoked..
its wierd.. that gap that he missed.. its like you holding an empty glass and everyone starts pouring drinks.. you know its going to be full but you just dun want it to be empty.. but once the glass breaks and start leaking.. its time to mend.. if not its gonna drip till its dry.. and no matter how much u pour in.. it will never be filled..his was broken.. like an accident.. dropped.. could not salvage it anymore.. broken pieces that are impossible to fix back.. time will heal? maybe.. get another glass u say.. sure.. but he still will remember the old one..
think everyone is going through that.. holding a glass on their hands.. empty?full?half? leaking?
head is spinning alot.. new shift is starting and all of us are split into different crews.. i am looking for a job now.. hopefully overseas.. life here is kinda stale already.. need a change.. changing of cars?target is in july.. see what lies ahead of me in the coming month. i need a break.. 1 or 2 days off somewhere will be good.. short trip to find myself back.. put it all in 1 piece again.. pull my mind together.. start fresh.. try not to be affected.. even though its like that.. its true that you can never change the past.. fate has decided the path.. i am not looking forward to the future.. i cant see whats beyond today.. its all in a mist.. i need to set my road markings.. is something wrong with me? i hope not.. i hope this feeling is just coming and passing through and not staying.. when i close my eyes at night i cant sleep.. i try to keep the lights on.. has blogging become a place of unhappiness? sucks huh..
posted by ivan @ 11:41 PM
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